by Bob Burg
In her incredible book, “Conflict Unraveled: Fixing Problems At Work And In Families” (http://www.amazon.com), Andra Medea shares some of the conflict resolution teachings of the former civil rights leader, James Bevel.
According to the author, this particular idea, known as Bevel’s “Principle of Communication” is about as simple-sounding as an idea can be, but its results can be dramatically powerful when correctly implemented.
#1 Ask the right question.
#2 Listen to the answer.
#3 Have the courage to act on what you hear.
Hmm, a little too simple? I hope so; it means I’ll be able to follow it. 
Perhaps you are a parent having a conflict with your child, a boss having a conflict with your employee or any one of hundreds of other possible unresolved conflicts with another human being.
Medea cites examples of each of the first two. Let’s just take the second one. A boss has trouble understanding why a staff member is resistant to an employee following his direction. (Firing is not the proper answer. First, that employee has
great potential and often does excellent work. Also, figure this employer has had similar challenges with other employees so all firing would do is solve a problem only temporarily.)
When the boss questions the employee about his behavior, the employee responds that they’ve had the conversation before. The boss admits to himself that, yes, they have, but he can’t remember what the employee’s answer was. Why? He hadn’t listened. So, he assures him this time he *will* listen. And he does.
As the author points out, “Being intelligent people, when faced with a conflict we naturally search for an answer. But in doing that we overlook an obvious source: the other person. We get used to looking at the other side as the source of the problem, an obstacle, something to outwit. We fail to notice that these people may actually know what could end the problem. As the other half of the conflict they may hold the other half of the information, and if we ask them in a civil manner they just might tell us.”
She adds this excellent point: “It may also be true that the other side has been trying to tell us the same information for months, if not years…. (When you decide to listen), your job at this point is not to defend your stance. Your job is to listen. And, even to ask clarifying questions.”
Interestingly enough, as soon as the employer asked and then listened, the employee (feeling good about being listened to and respected) admitted to his boss his own flaws and assured more awareness of such.
Now, the big test. Step number three. Will the employer have the courage to act on what he hears?
As Medea points out, having courage does not necessarily mean agreeing. “That would be capitulating.” According to the author, “Courage means responding appropriately.” Different situations, of course, call for different responses.
She warns that listening, and acting on what you hear, is not for the faint-hearted. After all, you might hear things you didn’t want to hear and realize that you’ll need to take actions you don’t necessarily like to take.
You might need to (as I find happening often in my case) get out of “lecturer-mode” and into dialogue mode. After all, very few people want to listen to a lecture, even though we might “believe” we are quite fascinating and continually relevant in what we’re saying (yes, I’m still talking about yours truly here) :-). On the other hand, most people don’t at all mind being in a two-way dialogue where their feelings and opinions are respected, even if not necessarily agreed with.
Now that you’ve asked, listened, and taken the appropriate action, the key is to stay in problem-solving mode. This takes both courage, and self-discipline, but the results are well worth it.
As Medea tells us, one of the keys to Bevel’s “Principle of Communication” is that it opens a dialogue. While monologues are rarely successful, dialogues are often successful.
What a great wwi exercise for us all to practice over the next week. When in any type of conflict either with friends, loved ones or associates, let’s utilize the three steps of Bevel’s “Principle of Communication” as taught by Andra Medea.